Christopher Barnes – 5 poems


Lord Byron Steam Cleans The Mattress

There’s not a joy          illin’ after being x-filed
When the glow             of harmony slumps antsy into dreary moods
‘Tis not on youth’s        goat heaven to fillet upright promises
But the tender               crinkly eyes oblige delusions

Glossary of slang:  Illin’ – Sick;  X-filed – Jilted;  Antsy – Nervous;  Goat Heaven – Indulgent Freedom;  Filleted – Gutted.



Lord Byron Does A Job Search

Then the mortal coldness     is the downer evilling me
It cannot fear for others’      limping fundage-caffled in payments overdue
That heavy chill                     inborns a janner for us all
And tho’                                 yo-yo mode, this CV recoils…inglorious

Glossary of slang:  Evilling – Menacing;  Fundage – Money;  Caffled – Entangled;  Janner – Chav;  Yo-yo – Silly.



Lord Byron Swears At The Satnav

There was in him           gaffle cast
As if the worst                dicky forenoon emplaced its traps
He stood a stranger       to this creepshow haunt
An erring spirit               pedigree chum and her in the back
A thing of dark               the dementoid enunciator asserted itself
By choice the perils       swooshed to the arse-end that’s Wrongturn Lane

Glossary of slang:  Gaffle – Defeat;  Pedigree Chum – Posh Girl’s Lover;  Dementoid – Crazy.



Lord Byron Takes A Move On FB Scrabble

In him inexplicably       bunk compliments are prolific
Much to be loved         is the catbird seat
Opinion varying           on the PC face-slapping, bitter end ghastly
In praise or railing       this tot-up’s unmistakably raar
His silence formed      alpha-geek emphatic, trouncing

Glossary of slang:  Bunk – Unfashionable;  Catbird Seat – Place Of Privilege;  Raar – Good.



Lord Byron Codes-In Teashop Wi-Fi

Come, blue-eyed            Venus back-talk to this pop-up
Didst never                      your headset oblige eye-dangling goads
Goddess                           of all Ken dolls, surface hollow or enigmatic
And is, despite                these Flashing Harrys, the parking meter calls
And years                         degenerate into a buffering life
But worse than steer       my screen’s radiating page just thwarts

Glossary of Slang:  Headset – Attitude;  Flashing Harrys – Show Offs.



Christopher Barnes has been published in various places, including Jacket, Poetry Scotland, and Action Yes. The South Bank Centre in London recorded his poem “The
Holiday I Never Had”: he can be heard reading it here. He lives in Newcastle, UK.



About gobbet

gobbet is a literary magazine dedicated to publishing the very best experimental poetry and prose. Intellectual perversity and explorations of dark themes are positively encouraged. We are only interested in work that is progressively experimental. We want to see risks, and we want to see them pay. No previously published work. Prose should not be longer than 1000 words. There are always exceptions. Send 3-5 poems. Include a short bio. Send submissions to Work will be published every 5-10 days. We also intend to publish anthologies of selected work published in gobbet. We will do our best to reply promptly. Most submissions will receive a decision within a month.
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